Roseanne has a little allegory in her latest memoir. She tells the story of selling her soul to the devil in exchange for fame and fortune. It made me think about the time I sold my own soul to the devil. I am embarrassed to admit that I didn't negotiate a very good deal. Instead of fame and fortune, I got a job at a community college.
Granted I didn't exact much of a price for my soul, but keep in mind it was the community college where I started my own academic journey, where I was inspired to pursue knowledge and letters and a middle-class way of life complete with a house in a cul-de-sac. It was the place where I first imagined myself as a professional: a person in a suit jacket with a Dayplanner and a secretary like Della Street. I longed to have a job, no, a position, at Columbia Basin College, the place where I was born again.
I applied for every position that came down the pike. Occasionally I was interviewed. In most of these interviews I was a blathering idiot. My nerves got the best of me. I also came to see that I was at a disadvantage as a former student at the college. Most of the staff and faculty viewed their students as inferior; "second class" is the phrase I later heard from a man who would become president of the college. I started to feel like a guy trying to get a date at Lilith Fair.
Finally, the perfect job came along. It was a grant funded position running a program to help first-generation students plan and prepare for college. I thought that my status as a first-generation college graduate would finally be an asset, and it was, after the hiring committee realized that there weren't many people who wanted to take a chance on a position that was only funded for a few years, and the first person that they offered the job to, a Latina woman with experience in federal programs, turned the job down. In spite of my desperation in the interview, or maybe because of it, I was a shoo-in.
Desperation, that is the blood that seals the deal with the devil. The deal takes place in that moment when you are sure that you will do anything to cross the finish line first, get that great job, or win the big jackpot. I signed on the doted line and the job was mine. It was great at first. I enjoyed the staff I worked with. Our programs were successful. We even won some accolades for our work. Oh yeah, we also helped a few students and families along the way. It was all wine and roses until the devil came back to collect his due.
I would prefer not to get into that right now...suffice to say it was ugly and painful; there was blood letting and sacrifice. It took a very long time and a battle with the devil to reclaim my soul. It changed me. I am less naive, more cautious, less inclined to all or nothing thinking.
Today, above all else, I value my equanimity. So, when I dream of being discovered, getting published, going on tour, speaking to huge audiences, and making boatloads of money, I recognize that it is just a dream. Maybe it will come true. Maybe not. Either way I will be alright. The devil doesn't mess with a woman at peace.
*The character of the devil is fictitious; any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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