Day 96

I woke up this morning and prayed for sleep to reclaim me. When it refused I reluctantly rolled out of bed. I didn't want to face the day. More to the point, I didn't want to face my feelings: the feelings of frustration and fear that starting welling up in me at the surgeon's office yesterday. I didn't want to hear his concerns about the prospects that perhaps the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes or invaded the chest cavity. These aren't just spare parts were talking about here. This cancer has claimed part of a person I love. I want to believe in the magic of medicine to make it all better but it is clear that the cancer is a mighty and mysterious adversary. I am afraid. Yesterday, I proclaimed my commitment to managing gracefully. I suspect that in order to live gracefully I can't allow my feelings to be in the driver's seat, nor can I lock them away in the trunk. I have to allow them to pass through. I have to feel them and recognize that they are nothing more than mind clouds.