Day 104

How much of my life has been spent waiting? Waiting to graduate. Waiting to hear if I got the job. Waiting for the results of an important test. Waiting for a letter from the graduate program I applied to. Waiting for him or her to arrive. I turned 19 a few weeks before Kat was due. The due date was marked on the calendar with a big red star. That date came and went. Kat continued to do somersaults in my uterus and the doctor joked that she would walk herself from the delivery room to the nursery if she continued to hold out. I was not laughing. As the days and weeks continued to crawl by I feared that she would never make an appearance. She was 5 weeks overdue when she was born on November 1st. I would like to say that I learned a lot about waiting from that experience, but I didn't. I have never been a patient person. Waiting is just as difficult for me today as it was all those years ago. There are times in life when we anticipate a pivotal change approaching. We can see it on the horizon. As it draws near there is fear and anxiety. What will it be like? How will I cope? It takes us out of the present moment. There have been many days of waiting since Bill's diagnosis: waiting for test results and procedures. Now we are waiting for treatment. I am trying to figure out how to do that more gracefully. In truth, I think that it can't be done. Waiting is never graceful. The only way is to stop waiting and start living. Whatever will be, will be.