Day 72

Several years ago I was reading a book by Marianne Williamson. She said that people often come up to her after speaking engagements. With desperate voices and pleading eyes they ask for guidance. She asks them: "Do you have a spiritual practice? Do you meditate or pray on a regular basis?" knowing full well that they do not.

It became clear to me then that if I wanted to have peace in my life I had to establish the kind of practice Marianne Williamson wrote about. I started sitting: 20 minutes a day. I didn't have a zafu or a fancy meditation timer. I just sat and it did bring me peace.

Recently, I started a writing practice: what Julie Cameron calls morning pages. The writing is another form of meditation. Both the writing and the sitting make me more aware of my thoughts; they both clear out the clutter in my head. Over the last few months the writing has replaced the sitting as my primary form of meditation.

Now I find myself avoiding the morning pages. I am avoiding my thoughts and feelings, preferring instead to be engaged in mindless activity or conversation. I don't want to be alone with myself on the page. I can feel my anxiety mounting in direct proportion to the avoidance.

Seeing my rising anxiety, Bill suggested the perhaps I should return to my sitting practice. It took me most of the day to build up my courage. During the first few moments of sitting I was aware of my racing thoughts: What if...What if...What if...My awareness dropped down into my body and I was aware of my nerve endings, I had the distinct sensation that there were ants crawling just under the surface of my skin. In the pit of my stomach was a hard knot, the size of a baseball. I just continued to breath. After several minutes, I could feel my consciousness drop down to another level, as if all those other sensations were merely on the surface. Below the surface was an oasis of peace. It was the first truly peaceful moment I have experienced in over a week.