Day 65

I heard a story once about a man who was saved by a book. A bullet, aimed at his heart, was deflected and became lodged in the book he carried in his breast pocket. It was probably just an urban legend but it seemed so real to me, perhaps because I could remember all the times I was rescued by books.

The first books I ever owned were given to me at Christmas: the whole set of Little House on the Prairie books. I was eight years old and living with my mom and dad and little brother in a trailer park. The tiny trailer my parents rented sat at the edge of a gravel road that was more dirt than gravel. My room was no bigger than the closet I now share with my husband, but it had a sliding door and a built in bunk where I could lay down and read. Laying there, I began to imagine a world that was so much bigger than anything that could be contained in a 12 x 60 metal box.

On Friday they took a small sample of the tumor that sits at the base of Bill's right lung. Now, as we wait for the results of the biopsy, I find myself wishing for a book to show us the way, a book that will save us. There are moments when I feel that I am inside a tiny metal box and the walls are closing in. I need a wide open view of the prairie.

I can't seem to concentrate to read much right now. Yet I am certain it is a book that will save me. So I think back to some of the books I love, the titles that saved me once before. Jane Hamilton's Map of the World reminded me that sometimes our lives can change in an instant. We are thrown off course. We become bewildered and lost. We have to start over again; we have to find a new map.

I suppose that is what I am afraid of what now. I am afraid of news that might alter our lives in unimaginable ways. It is frightening to travel a new road. I'm not sure that I am strong enough. Bill has a book on the shelf that I have never read. It is titled How You Do Anything is How You Do Everything. I suppose in some ways it really is that simple. Whatever happens, we will handle it the same way we handled all the challenges that came before. We will do it together.

I am certain that the problems ahead will also come bearing gifts. Alice Walker wrote a book called Possessing the Secret of Joy about a young African women on trial for killing a tribal elder who was performing female circumcisions. From that book, I learned about the kind of joy that can flourish in spite of incarceration. It is the same kind of joy that lives in spite of sickness and even death. As I reflect on that book, I am reminded that whatever lies ahead, there will also be joy.