Day 46

It has been 46 days since I started this quest for a more creative life. Since the beginning, my mind has been crowded with religious imagery. The pictures in my head are like postcards from the past that mark my spiritual journey.

Today the image is of my 24 year old self, kneeling beside my bed, my hands clasped in prayer, pleading with God for an answer. I was failing at my job: my first job out of college, the job that was supposed to prove that college wasn't a waste of time and money, the job I needed to support my family, the job that I needed to prove my self worth. I wasn't connecting with my clients and I challenged my boss so often she threatened to fire me.

I can see myself so clearly: tears streaming down my face, desperation in my voice as I whispered: "Please God help me." It was in this moment when I was resigned, when I had all but given up, that I was given an answer so complete and perfect that I was certain it was divinely inspired.

I saw myself in a new job, working with a different set of clients, creating programs that would shine a positive light on my boss and our agency. The next day I went into my boss's office and shut the door. I told her about the job I envisioned for myself. I was used to encountering resistance from her, but on this day her eyes smiled and she nodded and I knew that we were going to make this vision a reality.

On that day, over 20 years ago, I felt touched by the hand of The Creator. Looking back I can see that I invited this intervention by putting my ego aside. I was completely defeated and absolutely certain that I did not have the answers. Usually the ego stands like a big totem obscuring my view of the divine. But on this day the totem was reduced to a pile of wood shavings. I was completely open. When the idea came to me, I trusted it. How often do I turn away from inspiration because it comes clothed as the absurd, like Harvey's Rabbit? Finally, I did something that I have seldom had the courage to do since. I shared my vision with someone else. I put it out there in the world and made it real. I suppose I was aided in part by the naivety of youth.

I sometimes think that I stumbled on a magic formula that night in my bedroom as I bowed my head in prayer, a recipe for transforming inspiration: one part humility, two parts faith, mixed with a dash of audacity.