Day 40

I usually spend a lot of time at home. Some days I don't leave the house. My only interactions are with Bill and people in cyberspace. Lately I have been socializing a little more. As a result, I am increasingly aware of the rules that govern my behavior in the outside world. Here is a small sampling:

1. Don't talk too much.
2. Don't talk too loud.
3. Don't say things that will make other people uncomfortable.
4. Always be charming and funny.
5. Listen to other people and respond appropriately (even if your appendix has just ruptured and you are hemorrhaging internally -simply smile and nod).

Now, people who know me know that I do not always follow these rules. What they may not know is that I mercilessly berate myself for my failure to do so. I fear that other people will not like me, that they will reject me because I am loud and obnoxious and selfish and rude.

Still there is something in me that rebels. Lately I have been listening to that rebel who says, "Fuck the rules! Make your own damn rules!" I have to be careful to avoid simply reacting to the rules and pushing back in anger. Instead, I want to consciously question every boundary that the world has imposed on me. I want to learn to listen to and trust my intuition and to express my true self, the self that is connected to The Creative Force.